kewpiemilk

for a long long time, ive been fixated on the concept of internet lolcows; individuals who showcase their eccentricities online and gain a following because of them. ive done sooo much research on cows, primarily chris-chan, nemu, pixyteri, and soren hayes. and the more ive researched them, the more i realize.. wow, im not too different from them.

so heres a small list of lolcow-ish traits that i have!

- like the vast majority of cows, i am autistic.
- i have no irl friends because of my poor social skills and being a shut-in/hiki.
- my room is almost always a mess.
- i hoard anime & vidya merch, and i spend most of the money i get on them.
- i don't have a job.
- i have an unhealthy/bland diet, or what i like to call a "kibble diet" because i mainly live off of dry snacks like crackers or cereal.
- i obsess over specific fictional men/husbandos to the point where i consider them my boyfriends.
- i get really upset when i don't receive enough attention online.
- i also feel upset when people are more passionate about my interests than me, ESPECIALLY if they like my husbandos. i found someone who liked one of my husbandos a lot and i felt like crying.
- when im at my lowest, ill seek validation from men i meet online, even though i hate being sexualized.
- i use xenogenders unironically.
- i delete my socials often out of fear of being stalked.
- i have weird fetishes (guro, omorashi, sometimes emeto..)
- i do a poor job at taking care of myself, and i often look unkempt.

yesterday, i went to an art event at my college. i enjoyed it a lot, however i was struck with a deep sense of melancholy after i left. there were so many groups of people, mainly art students, chatting amongst each other and laughing together. i couldnt help but feel envious. i want to have a friend group like that in real life. i want friends who understand me, who listen to what i have to say, who don't only keep me around out of pity and actually see me as a part of their group. i never once have gotten to experience that, and its all i really want. it doesnt even have to be a group, i would be content with having one real friend. a best friend.

im tired of relying on men online for validation. they dont truly care about me or find me interesting, they just want to get in my panties. i had one final bad experience with a man online recently and it broke me. he used me like his personal slave, and attempted to use the vulnerable state i was in to mold me to his liking. i feel sick to my stomach even thinking about that man. i cant believe i was that gullible. i am never, ever allowing men like that to contact me again. ive been far too kind to them. they dont deserve me.

i wish on every star in the sky to have a true friend someday. i hope it will come true.

this is my first entry on this silly blog thingie! so, who am i? what brings me here? why should you care?

my name is kewpie. at least, thats my name online. my real name is irrelevant. i am 18 at the time of writing this, and ill be turning 19 on the 24th of this month. i am female, but gender confuses me so i prefer to identify as neither gender online. i have autism, which is probably the reason why no one likes me. i think it makes me pretty cool though. i have niche cool interests!! i have so so much empathy!! i can hear the faint buzz of a refrigerator from two rooms away!! i also have add and anxiety, which are less cool in my opinion.

i have a strong dislike for modern social media. it feels inauthentic in comparison to how it used to be way back when. i like this site because it carries that same authenticity from that era. i also have been wanting to keep a diary of sorts (my therapist recommended it too), however writing in a physical diary is exhausting for me, so a digital one seems like something my dumb brain will be able to handle much better.

so what should you expect from this blog? rambles and vents about my life, internal dialogue, frustrations, and my mental health. perhaps a sprinkle of things about my interests as well. well, maybe a LOT of that.. because autism. will any of that be of interest to you? probably not! unless you like reading the incoherent ramblings of the mentally ill, in that case youll probably get a kick out of what i have to say.

at the moment ive been feeling.. quite lonely. i have no friends irl. and online, i have a few, but it seems like theyve lost interest in me. the only person i talk to often is my ex, who is more like a friend or family member to me now. i enjoy his company, but i still feel as if something is missing when i interact with him. a sort of void. a void that has yet to be filled. i think that void could only be filled by an actual irl friendship. the likelihood of me having a real friend however is slim. i rarely go out, and when i do i'm pretty much invisible to the people around me. ill be attending a college class on-campus in spring, but i kinda doubt that anyone at my college would be interested in me. im very weird and meek and awkward, quite the opposite of approachable. for now, the only cure to my loneliness is my imagination. ever since i was young, id daydream about my favorite fictional characters being my friends or significant others. and as sad as it is, i still do this at my age. in all honesty though, fictional characters are much easier for me to connect with than real people. sure it doesnt feel quite the same, but they make things hurt a lot less. i'd be nowhere without my faves and my inner world theyre apart of.

anyways, thats just about it for now. hopefully i will continue to write over the course of the upcoming year. it would be nice to have something to look back on.

ciao! arrivederci!~ ╰(￣ω￣ｏ)