kewpiemilk

this is my first entry on this silly blog thingie! so, who am i? what brings me here? why should you care?

my name is kewpie. at least, thats my name online. my real name is irrelevant. i am 18 at the time of writing this, and ill be turning 19 on the 24th of this month. i am female, but gender confuses me so i prefer to identify as neither gender online. i have autism, which is probably the reason why no one likes me. i think it makes me pretty cool though. i have niche cool interests!! i have so so much empathy!! i can hear the faint buzz of a refrigerator from two rooms away!! i also have add and anxiety, which are less cool in my opinion.

i have a strong dislike for modern social media. it feels inauthentic in comparison to how it used to be way back when. i like this site because it carries that same authenticity from that era. i also have been wanting to keep a diary of sorts (my therapist recommended it too), however writing in a physical diary is exhausting for me, so a digital one seems like something my dumb brain will be able to handle much better.

so what should you expect from this blog? rambles and vents about my life, internal dialogue, frustrations, and my mental health. perhaps a sprinkle of things about my interests as well. well, maybe a LOT of that.. because autism. will any of that be of interest to you? probably not! unless you like reading the incoherent ramblings of the mentally ill, in that case youll probably get a kick out of what i have to say.

at the moment ive been feeling.. quite lonely. i have no friends irl. and online, i have a few, but it seems like theyve lost interest in me. the only person i talk to often is my ex, who is more like a friend or family member to me now. i enjoy his company, but i still feel as if something is missing when i interact with him. a sort of void. a void that has yet to be filled. i think that void could only be filled by an actual irl friendship. the likelihood of me having a real friend however is slim. i rarely go out, and when i do i'm pretty much invisible to the people around me. ill be attending a college class on-campus in spring, but i kinda doubt that anyone at my college would be interested in me. im very weird and meek and awkward, quite the opposite of approachable. for now, the only cure to my loneliness is my imagination. ever since i was young, id daydream about my favorite fictional characters being my friends or significant others. and as sad as it is, i still do this at my age. in all honesty though, fictional characters are much easier for me to connect with than real people. sure it doesnt feel quite the same, but they make things hurt a lot less. i'd be nowhere without my faves and my inner world theyre apart of.

anyways, thats just about it for now. hopefully i will continue to write over the course of the upcoming year. it would be nice to have something to look back on.

ciao! arrivederci!~ ╰(￣ω￣ｏ)