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Dec. 13th, 2024 09:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kewpiemilkit is approaching midnight as i type this. i have taken three hydroxyzine (two more than i probably should) and i am experiencing what i think would be considered a manic episode. i have these every now and then whenever im depressed. which for the past year, is all of the time. i am having so many thoughts about so many things!!!
i am sick of changing my self image for the approval of those around me. i realize how foolish it is to live for the sake of those who not only have zero appreciation, but also pay little to no thought towards my existence. i am truly the only person i have for sure, so i need to act like it. i am not a normal girl, i am not this sweet little innocent thing. i am a sick freak. i am a monster. i am nothing and i am everything. i am a grotesque amalgam of weird weird shit. i have no gender because gender is fake. and yet my gender is whatever i say it is. my gender is strawberry cake and blood because I SAY IT IS!! i am whatever i say i am. i need to allow myself to have that power over my identity. i want to scare off the kinds of people who've preyed on the weak fake version of me. i want to emerge from that shallow vessel i crafted and let the vile sludge of my true being seep through the cracks. i am alive, i am real, i am me!!
i am sick of changing my self image for the approval of those around me. i realize how foolish it is to live for the sake of those who not only have zero appreciation, but also pay little to no thought towards my existence. i am truly the only person i have for sure, so i need to act like it. i am not a normal girl, i am not this sweet little innocent thing. i am a sick freak. i am a monster. i am nothing and i am everything. i am a grotesque amalgam of weird weird shit. i have no gender because gender is fake. and yet my gender is whatever i say it is. my gender is strawberry cake and blood because I SAY IT IS!! i am whatever i say i am. i need to allow myself to have that power over my identity. i want to scare off the kinds of people who've preyed on the weak fake version of me. i want to emerge from that shallow vessel i crafted and let the vile sludge of my true being seep through the cracks. i am alive, i am real, i am me!!
